night of the iguana

THE NIGHT OF THE IGUANA (1964)

This is the sad story of poor Reverend Bird—lover of Lorna Anderson and Lutheran has-been Man of the Lord. 

After serving time in the Big House and being snubbed by Lorna, his lovely former sweetheart—Reverend Bird like Richard Burton escaped to Mexico to lick his wounds and recuperate his shattered health.
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“I thought it was just a nightmare—but then I woke up and it was all horribly true. I used to be a fine law-abiding Lutheran minister—preaching the Lord’s word in lovely little small town Emporia, Kansas”

“Kansas had been good to me—my wife, my kids, my congregation who believed every fucking word I said to them from up there on the lofty pulpit. Then, the next thing I knew I ended up in prison for murdering my lovely wife—accused of slugging her over the head with a cheap bottle Jacques Bonet champagne.”

“I dumped my wife’s body over the railing of the rickety old steel-cable and wood-plank Rocky Ford gCottonwood Bridge. Down she went along with the family car—into the churning, murky, muddy depths of murder and shame.” 

“I couldn’t wait to get rid of her—she’d become just another crummy cross to bear. It looked like an accident—I thanked God for giving me the courage to off her to further my bright career in the Lutheran ministry.”

“Of course, both Lorna and I got caught in our evil adulterous hanky-panky skullduggery. We both ended up in prison—after two trials and lots of local cover-ups. Small town politics, murder-for-hire, lots of accomplices and greed."

"Emporia turned out to be just another sex-driven, obsessed Peyton Place in Fly Over State disguise. It was simply just awfully tacky and scandalous for everybody." 

"Especially all the local church-going small town religious folk. Completely devastating their faith and beliefs in the Republican Right Wing Party and the stoic gothic Conservative Religious Right. Many Lutheran parishioners—switched over to being staunch Atheists."

"Anyway, after I served my time—I fled down to Mexico like Richard Burton exiled from his church to be a tour bus guide to visiting little old lady school teachers from the States."

"It was then that my Bad Karma struck me a blow—that I never recuperated from. That’s how I ended up in Ava Gardner’s seedy Mexican tourist dive—a run-down ruined old hacienda stuck out in the wilds of the dark mysterious Mexican jungle."

"That’s how I ended up all tied-and-bundled-up—neat as a bed-bug in an outdoor hammock hanging and dangling trying to sober up from a week long drunk. Ava played her guitar—soothing me with her deep throaty sexy voice." 

"That’s when I felt it stirring and slithering—down there between my legs. Surely it was the wrath of God and the anger of Martin Luther. My adulterous sinful fucking around with Lorna Anderson—was finally catching up with me."

"It was moiling around and writhing down there between my skinny, scrawny legs. The Night of the Iguana had come back to haunt me—for all my stupid “Murder Ordained” crimes against Gawd and Humanity."

"The biggest crime of all—the crime against the Institution of Marriage soiled and stained by my sinful sexual urges. Mother Nature was seeking its revenge on me—in a most horrible insidious way."

"I couldn’t believe it—my troublesome male organ had turned into a huge grotesque ugly icky Iguana!!! It was growing bigger and bigger—so all-consuming and primitive that it was taking over my so-called life."

"A slithering scaly huge horrible Iguana—was growing down the side of my leg. It was growing larger and larger—there was no end in sight. Mother Nature’s revenge on me—Bad Karma for my various and sundry fucking Lorna and all those other Emporia fornifications with the ladies in the choir in the backroom."

"Pretty soon it was as big as a Python, then a huge Boa Constrictor!!! There I was tied up in a hammock—to protect Ava and all the little old school ladies from being raped. It wasn’t very pretty—Ava sang songs and tried to soothe me."

"Ava’s Mexican kept boys started at it—ogling at the Americano’s huge coiling and uncoiling big Iguana dick. It even had a pink forked-tongue—darting in and out of the slit." 

"The two Mexican boys started sizing me up—wondering how I’d taste barbecued with hot sauce and chili. Surely such a huge meaty gringo Tool—an Iguana lizard prick of such gigantic proportions. Would make a delicious fiesta meal!!!"

"My huge Iguana Schlong would surely make them more manly and muy macho—more adorable, more potent and sought after by all the Mexican girls back in the village. It was only a matter of time…"