The Reunion

THE REUNION
—for John Evans
________________________


THE FACE LIFT

“For Heaven’s Sake, honey,” I said—
“It was just simply horrible!”

"Your Poor Miss Thing was such a wreck—
I'll never ever be the same again!!!"

“Get a hold of yourself, Miss Thing”—
John said, trying to be reassuring

But I’d always been the nelly type—
Easily offended even way back then

When we were going thru that insufferably—
Boring bourgeois BLOW JOB High School 

All the way back there in the Sticks—
Schmucking around in stupid Schmuckville

"I’d been looking forward to it—
So very much to our lovely Reunion"

“I feel like reading my own beads,” I said—
"What did I expect, SHANGRI-LA?"

"I even had a Face Lift especially—
Done for our grand Fiftieth Reunion!!!"

"By an expensive fag undertaker—
Specializing in cosmetic surgery"

"At this swanky Palm Springs—
Eternal Sunshine Funeral Parlor"

"With a popular Disco and Casino—
Down there in the basement"

“You Slay ‘Em, We Lay ‘Em”—
Was the motto of Stiffs Mortuary

"I was like Norma Desmond rotting away—
There on lonely Sunset Boulevard"

"I felt like some useless old drag queen—
What did I expect from the Reunion?

THE SCREAM

“What a waste of money!”—
I whined away on the phone

“I blew $100,000 for a Stupid—
Face Lift and some lousy Wrinkle Crème”

“Only to be totally ignored, my dear—
At that fruitless Fiftieth Reunion!”

"I'd simply given up, of course—
A Miss Thing so tres distraught"

"I’d hired a driver to the dreary affair—
In a rental “Jacqueline” Lincoln limousine"

"A swank luxurious Land Cruiser, my dear—
Built like the fucking Queen Elizabeth"

"To impress all my tacky classmates—
With how awfully successful I'd become"

“I should have taken a jet, honey—
That way I could have just kept...”

“Flying over the whole stupid lousy—
Stinking State of Kansas, my dear” 

“After all, isn't that why it's like— 
Called The Fucking Flyover State?”

HORROR SHOW

So I did my Miss Thing Rant—
Complaining about my Ratty Reunion

The Encounter with Wrinkle City—
Right outta Miss Evelyn Waugh 

All that “The Dear One” Kitsch—
The Kansas funeral parlor racket

Denizens of the Death Business—
The epitome of American capitalism

With Rod Steiger & Liberace—
Jonathan Winters & Tab Hunter

Robert Morse & John Gielgud—
Milton Berle  & Robert Morley

Dana Andrews & James Coburn—
Roddy McDowell & Margaret Leighton

My film script by Terry Southern—
Plus Miss Christopher Isherwood

I was Miss Thing hoofing it up out—
There on the Rigor Mortis Range

Such tacky Midwestern Film Noir—
Such Drearie Dreary Scenery

Miss Thing was simply appalled—
When I looked in the fucking mirror

I was simply appalled, my dear—
By the tacky Thanatos I saw there

The Dead are already Dead, honey—
They just don’t know it that’s all 

THE STRAND THEATER

The Granada Theater renovation—
Was such a Stunning Success that

The dumpy old Strand Theater—
Down the street opened up again!!!

It wasn’t a High Class Joint—
A Fancy Artistic Film Palace Thing 

Just a cheap Double Feature Dump—
Appealing to Trailer Trash like me

It still had this filthy bathroom down—
There in the dark dirty basement

The local Ghost Busters said—
That the Tea Room was definitely

Haunted by some old Spooks—
Queens hanging around down there

Homo Homesteader spirits still—
Stalking the Saturday Matinees

Cruising all that young bored—
Kansas cock that needed a Blow

It was simply scandalous, dears—
Like Bingo Parlor Nights when

All the little shocked church ladies—
Heard moanings & groanings

Coming up outta the darkness—
Those evil odious lucrative latrines!!!

The Balcony was haunted too—
All those Ghastly Sat Matinees

The Rowdy Youth of Emporia—
The Baby Boomer Teen Creeps

Later becoming the awful—
Snake Pit Drive In Delinquents

"I Was a Teenage Werewolf"—
"Creatures from the Black Lagoon"